Nothing!

Who am I?
Why am I here?
What am I doing?

Why am I not someone else?
Why am I not somewhere else?
Why am I not doing something else?

Could I have been someone else?
Could I have been somewhere else?
Could I be doing something else?

Would I want to be someone else?
Would I want to be somewhere else?
Would I be doing something else?

Being myself is being nothing
Being here is being nothing
Doing this is doing nothing

I am nothing
I am nowhere
I am not!

People. Life. And Me

I have met so many people in my life. Some became friends. I have made few friends in my life and have lost few too, one by one. They came and they went, at the same pace. This transaction still continues. I believe lot of new people will come into my life and they will walk away, too. That's what people do. But I am lucky that these were the good people, these were the best souls one can come across.

But, I need something to stay. There is nothing to stay. Or there is?

Books. They are my best friends. They have not chosen to walk out of my life. They have not chosen to be read by someone else and not me. They have not told me that they have found a better reader than I was, or I would be.

A man who has not been loved, who cannot be loved, should not be loved!

And this is the way I am going to live my life.

The Drops!

we are all drops
for a romantic is a drop of rain
for a worker
its a drop of sweat
for a loner
its a drop of tear
for a mother
its a drop of milk
for a soldier
its a drop of blood
for me
its just a drop

we, wanting to be oceans
always remain drops
scattered here and there..
All over


Swapnil

It is all a falacy

How long can we pretend that we are happy,
when we are not. More than half our life we live
in a world which is non existant, a world where
we think life just goes by and we walk along with it.
Don't we all just go by the tide and refuse to just
face it head on because of the fear of hurting others.
It is all a falacy, a lie, how do we define happiness,
Is it the present moment, is it the past or the future?
We all have different excuses to be happy,
But at the end, one who makes the difference
Is the one who is being true to himself/herself
Why do we love to be in a world where life just
means existing, sustaining, being alive.
Do we ever ask ourselves "Hey, how are you today"
We know we do it to everyone we meet everyday
Life is a falacy and we live through it all the years we survive
Can't we be a bit better than that?

I am nobody.

I am nobody.
I am nowhere.
I am never.
So are you.

Life is a journey,
I am a traveler.
There is no destination,
there is no place to start
there no space to reach.
I am like a drop of rain
that exists only during the journey
from clouds towards the ground.
And then there is no existence,
there is no I.



Image courtesy: http://www.kerryloewen.com/images/smoke/KLoewen_UntitledSmokeNo.346sm.jpg

Sophistication: Not my cup of tea

Sometimes I ask myself why can't I also be sophisticated and
portray a different me to the world outside, why do I always
have to be blunt, as if I don't care. The fact is I care, and if I
am investing my time with a person being blunt, it is not
because I want to hurt that person, it is just because I say
what I feel at that moment. Can't I be myself with
everyone whom I care. I should only pretend and be
sophisticated with people whom I don't care about,
I rather choose not to talk at all to them then to wear
the mask of sophistication. I have lost touch with many
people in this journey of life, but I always feel one only
loses someone if that person doesn't matter in the
long run, and if someone matters, he/she stays with
you all your life, even if your not in touch.

Who Cares!

It was Diwali out there and I was sitting in my room with my computer trying to finish first draft of this story. A cigarette,hanging from my lips, was throwing on my eyes as much smoke as was out there on the streets cluttered with people bursting crackers. I don’t know how much they were enjoying, they were supposed to enjoy, it was a festival. I also used to enjoy back at home as a kid and would burst crackers. But at this moment, at this hour the acrid smoke was suffocating me. Or was it that loneliness which was suffocating me? Either way it was not going to make any difference, or, then I did not care anymore. It was useless to care.

In this carefree world, who wants to care, anyway.

What do you know about Gandhi?

How do I react (on the eve of the Independence Day)
when a girl who is just my sister's age, comes and tells me,
Nathuram Godse was a great man, and when I asked why,
she says, because he killed Gandhi. I asked her what does
she know about Gandhi, she just said that whatever she
read in school books never made her love Gandhi
(in other words, it made her hate him). I was speechless,
I just thought for some time and asked,
did you read any of Gandhi's books? She said,
I must be aware by now, that she hardly reads.
Then I asked, how can you make an opinion
about a person, whom you don't even know and
she just said, "I don't like him." I really didn't have
any words to say, I just thought to myself,
tomorrow, we are going to celebrate 60 years of
independence and today, here is a girl, who can't
even appreciate what Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi
did for India. I don't know it is the mistake of the school,
the friends, the family or somethings else,
which made her hate Gandhi without knowing
facts about him.

This episode only made me reiterate one thing
about todays youth, that they all live in a farce reality.
I wanted to wish her "Happy Independence Day" but
I couldn't, thinking she might feel that it is farce too.

We Are Free; Are We?

Tonight we will complete 60 years of a transition that started in 1947. We must have a reason to celebrate 60 years of our freedom. Freedom is important it gives us opportunity to do the things what one wants to do in life. What matters is what we want to do. In addition to the celebration of freedom, I would like to add that It is just a phase of transition- from one mode of slavery to the other.

We are more American today than Indian, even the language we are using to congratulate each other is a sign of indirect slavery. We are enslaved to the commoditization of American goods, value systems.

We may live in an illusion that Indian civilization is developing, it’s not. ‘swant sukhay’ is everyone’s prerogative. When I see the crown of BPO employees coming out of companies at odd hours, I wonder what kind of skilled labors we are. We are slaves coming out of factories set up by Americas.

I do not feel proud to be a slave. I thank some of the great leaders who brought the dawn of freedom onto us and gave us the freedom to send and share this message. But I will not celebrate; I will sit in a dark room and morn the death of a civilization which is inevitable, sooner or later.

But, as a tradition: happy Independence Day!

~swapnil

Henry Chinaski Had Me Hard

This afternoon, I finished reading Factotum by Charles Bukowski. I was very excited when I started reading it, but by the time I finished it I was a bit low on spirit. I don’t know was it the effect of Chinaski or it was me coming to my self! To a great extent, I felt, we were alike. Except that he frequently changed jobs, while I am stuck to one. And the courage he had to write such stuff is missing in me.

You can understand what I am taking about, only when you read the book. It is a shit load (in his language), but that is exactly something that matters. He showed the glamourless life of a struggling writer. Something, I also experienced during those days of struggle in Delhi.

I still remember those crude remarks made by the person whom I was living with and who taught me the art of film making. I have great respect for that person – for his intellect and his knowledge, but on the personal front he was a failure.
He pulled me down and called me names. I am going to write everything that he and others have done to me, in my next novel. I think that is where Chinaski would encourage me. To be blunt and candid not only to others but also to myself as well.

Chinaski also showed me how dirty and filthy woman can be. I guess none of his women were graceful. They were all fallen. In my life I have come across same kind of woman. But there are a few graceful ones too. But, the grace is there in them only as long as I am doing what they want me to do.

Indian woman are strange. They are non-ambitious. Deep down in their filthy minds, they want a handsome fuckable guy next to them, fantasising being fucked hard by them in bed, and they get wet. But, to the world, they would pose to be the sanest person around.

I also fantasize fucking beautiful ladies, who doesn't. But, in the end I want someone who is as intelligent as I am, if I am!

But there are a few ladies, and those are the few ones I am still in touch with, who can still hold their heads up with some grace. Rest of the ladies have their heads hanging down, looking at the crotches they fantasize of being fucked by at night.

Every night.

The night is getting young and the girls have started to fantasize.

I am fantasizing too!

Grass in Green

You have come to my life like a flood, with so much emotions,
I don't know how to handle them,
Should I let it go and keep it in my heart,
If I try and keep them in my heart,
It gives me joy as well as pain,
Since I am more used to pain then joy,
I get scared as always to watch and wait,
But I know things are going to change from now on,
I get goosebumps, I pinch myself everyday,
Just to make myself feel that I am in reality and in a world
Where life has been so bad to me and yet so good at times.
No more words can say what I feel,
Just my breath, which refuses to stop,
Even if I try hard, my heart keeps on beating faster,
I feel like a new born baby again,
Who has got a whole new world to explore,
And a new bond to live every moment, and more so,
I am yet to explore the green grass,
Which breads a new life every moment
Hope the grass in my lawn is as green as my thoughts.

Inspiring somebody someday!

When I was a kid, I always used to imitate things which I would see from people I would interact with. Elders would say, "let the kid follow others as it will help him to learn fast" and I used to get upset, thinking, why should I follow others? Will it not be better, if someone else follows me? What I intend to say out here is that, even if we try consiously not to follow others, we still unknowingly keep on doing it, and that can be as simple as drinking water from a bottle rather than using a glass. So as kids, if we used to get inspired by someone and wanted to do the same things, it was not that we could not have done something else, but, it was much more than that. Maybe we were born in a way, where we can admire that one person and not others. There is no answer, why it happens like this, but it is the truth. Even when we grow old, there is always an inspiration which stays with us and I believe that helps us to take the next step in life. That inspiration can even be, a fish, which you would like to eat for dinner. Never, let that inspiration go away, as it is like a glowing light, which keeps on showing you the path you should follow. So always get inspired and be more effective to be an inspiration for somebody someday!

Atanu

Smiling face or a crying soul?

I always try and find some peace in war, happiness in sadness, laughter when someone cries, so does that make me unreasonable or not understanding enough to human standards. I react very alarmingly hearing songs which makes me cry, much more than those which makes me laugh. I don't know, pain gets more associated with me than mock laughter. Everyday, in office, I make sure that I laugh atleast for some time, but I can't cry out there, because when i laugh everybody will join me but there will be nobody who will cry with me. Can someone tell me why it is like this, i mean, both are just outburst of one's emotion. So why is it that somewhere everybody joins you and somewhere nobody wants to be a part of it. What happens when one's emotion gets better than the other, how do we react then? I feel we don't have any choice but to be the same, because, there has been no acceptance of cry in this universe. There is no competition at all, one smile can conquer lots of hearts but one cry can only sooth another aching heart. So who do you want to conquer, a smiling face or a crying soul?

Atanu

How much do we share!

Why does it happen that we most often can't share what we love, here love means any trait that makes you happy, and that can be as idiotic as looking up in the sky for hours. I believe there is not a single person in this earth whom a human being trusts to that level that he or she starts sharing everything, there is always that doubt which stops us from sharing this from that person and that from this person. So, ultimately, nobody gets to know anyone upside down and the mystery of what one can do at the spur of the moment always remains. If someone, starts feeling comfortable, there will be moments when the other person will make sure that this belief doesn't last for long. We all somewhere, deep within us, feel that how beautuful it would have been if we could have shared everything what we have in our heart and in our mind, but alas that seldom happens, or rather never happens. So, is not sharing a burden that we always like to carry or is it something which comes along with us even if we don't want it to be. Love is anyways said to be very intimate, so if you love the sky, maybe you share that with the sky and nobody else, and thus the process continues. But if the sky is happy, I have nothing to complain.

Atanu

Happy when sad

I have stopped getting depressed these days, because I just don't want to waste any time on that and rather do all the things that makes me happy. Do we really have a hand, in deciding if we want to get depressed or not, because I have had many debates on this topic, that we can't stop getting depressed as it is not in our hands. But what happens, when, the moment you realise, you are going in to that phase, and you want to reverse it. You start doing things that you love the most, maybe get the best movie and watch it, maybe cook the best food you like and have it, call the best friend you have, and scream at him or just try and pick a book and get inspired from it or burn it. Have you ever tried doing all these things, and you will exactly know how it feels, suddenly, u realise that the world is not so bad and you still have so many things to do which makes you happy. Happiness is a state of mind, as sadness, and all individuals have their own way of dealing with both these phases. So tomorrow, if you find someone, perpetually sad, don't be sad, because that person loves to be sad and his happiness lies in being sad.

Atanu

We, The Beasts!

In the darkness of night, there is a creature that rises from within us. It emerges only when it's dark enough inside you. When you are depressed, when you are too sad, when you are beaten; it also emerges when you achieve something, when you beat someone, when you win. This dark of us always remains with us, pulling us down towards what we are deep within -- beasts.

We try to become more human, but we fail in that very dark corner where we lose ourselves in the hand of that creature who awaits us in every moment of hope and despair -- to overtake and make us, even for a while, what we used to be -- beasts.

But, we ourselves are afraid of that beast. Because by making us what we truly are, it makes others look down on us. In the sanest moments of our lives, becoming what we are leads to shame and prejudice. No one wants to see the beast within, so they judge others if they get a glimpse of the beast in others. And then they feel gratified, they feel being better, they feel being sane and being more moral than the one whose beast they saw.

That makes difficult for us to be what we are, and forces us to wear some masks which could hide the beast living in the dark corners of our mind.

So, every time you try to be yourself, beware – they beast will break chains and set itself free.

Being free is being a beast!

Oh, Beast, Are you ready to be freed?

Swapnil Bhartiya Arnie

Sleeping peacefully

Can we really compensate for all the mistakes that we do, I believe we can, if the other party is willing to listen. Today, I was so angry because this city is so hot that I can’t even enjoy a holiday, leave alone trying to go out and invite the scorching Sun who is smiling at his prime. But unfortunately, I went out to see a movie with one of my friend, and he vouched that next time, I should make sure, I don’t get him a ticket for him, because of the “uncompromising” Sun God’s presence. I felt that he is right; I mean he travels an hour just to visit that theatre and it is just stone throwing distance from my house. But I also felt miserable, because all this is happening due to the heat, where we don’t have any say. Right now, it is 3 am and I am in my balcony and am blessed with some of the best wind I have ever had in my life. All my anger and hatred for that heat suddenly disappeared, but then I realized, that there are many people in this city, who are not experiencing what I am right now. So they will never forget this heat and maybe also never forgive it. There are so many things within us, which stops us from giving the other person another chance, I felt it very strongly today, and the breezing winds just proved me right. I am definitely going to have one of the most satisfying sleeps tonight.

Atanu

Wooing outruns love

The period of wooing someone can be the best moments of your life and also the worst because every second seems like years and everytime you are unsuccessful, it makes you more weak. Wooing is not like doing a job, it doesn't get better with experience but it ensures that you get discouraged for future. There is no doubt that you will now become more cautious, the trick is not the girl, but the moment where you wish to woo. When we all proposed being a teenager, we were so impatient that, our objective was to get the feelings known, irrespective of where it was said, and also from whose mouth it is coming out. Guys are normally very gullable, who behave like wax when girls smile at them and that wax is always ready for the fire which can catch any moment from any source. The feeling of love is far more romantic, then being in love or being rejected in love. We all live in sanity becuase we have this feeling, otherwise it would have been a Dog's Paradise.

Atanu

Are we rats?

Do you believe that we cry everyday, even if there are no tears in our eyes. There has always been a perception that those who cry are weak and sensitive and they cry because they are not meant to be a part of this rat race. But who really wants to be in the rat race, where every rat is not competing, but trying to be a better rat, at the end they are all rats. We all know what rats do, they hide when the owner comes, they steal when the owner is away, and gets killed one day by the owner or becomes so fat that it dies of over-eating. Do you really want to be like that? I chose not to be a rat, and rather cry everyday, because it gives me the pleasure of doing things a rat can't do. I don't want to hide if I am having a piece of bread, I don't want to hide if I am trying to be myself, I don't even want to hide any part of me which makes me comfortable. Can we ever live a life, where we really be humans?

Atanu

cities feed on us!

Cities like Delhi don't make us dry....
cities make us like themselves....
cities where we have come from have made us like themselve..
that is what cities do..
transform us into something we never wanted to be...
cities are like an oraganism...
alive and conscious..they have a plan..
they have an aim..
they comsume and they produce...
cities grow...and they feed on people like us...
we lose ouselves..
our value system..
and the very 'I' that make us what we are...
in cities like Delhi...
we just don't exist..
only the city exists...

SWAPNIL

Can we really bury past!

Can we really bury our past and move ahead, I feel we always carry them along as a baggage, which if left idle, would make our future more difficult. Have we forgotten those days, when just walking up to a girl and talking to her used to be devine experience and our friends hiding in the corner trying to listen to what I was talking to her. Are we willing to forget someone, who would have stabbed us on our back, and even though publicly we may announce that "I have nothing to do with him/her) but still that pain remains. We can't even forget, the paanwalla, from whom we would have taken our first cigeratte and smoked, leave out all the umpteen other things. There is always an unrest within me, that someday what will happen if I am not left with the past, which even if painful has been loyal to me. We all know, that whatever we are today, it is because of the past, so rather than only looking at a future which is not known, why not look at the past and enrich our knowledge for the upcoming unknown territory.

Atanu

Living without expectation

Why does it happen most of the times that you feel, the person next to you is not going to understand your point of view and you try and present things in a different way then the way you thought it initially. It has been eight long years, that I am in this city and apart from making you dry, this city makes you shrewd, it is upto you if you use it or not. It is not so hard to learn things out here, because everybody across you is out there not to show their skills but to make sure you can't show any. After a point of time, you start understanding that the old logic of "do good to others and good happens to you" seems a long distance myth. But, still, you cannot get away from this logic, it is just that, now you don't expect anything from others. One who can live without expectation, is always happy, but we all know how hard it can be.

Atanu

Truth of Innocence

Innocence, why do we lose it so early, is it because we are exposed to the dirt which blows around almost anywhere. Or is it because, we have this dirt encrypted within us, as we are human beings. How good it is not to know things and live in a world which is full of imagination, where we can create our own pictures and make all the necessary changes without any interruption. It is quite amazing, that we never get to know, when was it that we really lost our innocence, suddenly, one day we realise, it is not the same me. "I have changed", and we all know that this change is going to make us more vulnerable, prone to a life which keeps on sucking our blood at all the intervals. The problem is once lost, we never get that innocence back, it is even worse than a lost love affair, there is absolutely no replacement and also no escape from this ultimate truth.

Atanu

Freedom, do we practice it?

Listen to me, I want to tell you something, don't run or pretend, we all do that, don't we? But why? What makes us do that? Society? Does it feed us? No. Then why? To make others happy? But why would you want to make others happy? Are you happy with what you are doing? No. Most of us waste our life, thinking that what will others think if we do this or that, but at the end of the day does it really matter? No one is going to die with you or take your pain when your become an outsider? But we all are so afraid? Do we really know what freedom is? No boundaries, no barriers, no gates? We all have it, but alas we don't know how to use it. Charles Bukowski teaches us this basic fundamentals of freedom, if we can understand it, sanity prevails or else it is slavery of our own idiosyncrasies.

Atanu

Nothing Is Wrong!

Bukowski…why should I read him? What does he have to offer? What did he get in life? I don’t read Bukowski for learning anything, I don’t read him to become more intelligent. I read him to feel the dirt, the disgust, the filth that is very much part of all of us, but we refuse to accept. He did that gracefully. He told us what matters, without putting it in the basket of right or wrong.

You, don’t claim to be a good man/woman. What is good, but a parameter others set, or we set that suit others…you do a lot of things in those dark corners of your life, and they are so disgusting that you would not want to admit to yourself, let alone to the world. This man admitted that. He told us that we can be graceful and low at the same time. Then we can still look up when our heads are bowed!

Hail Bukowski!

Live with gods and be the gods…

Swapnil Bhartiya Arnie

Tongue talks

We all seek to get ourselves heard, be it somebody's ears or in somebody's bossom, but what happens when someone else hears what you want to say, the words remain the same, but the meaning doesn't make any sense. Or it makes too much sense, which then becomes nonsense. As long as we live, we will keep on hearing things that we want, that we don't and also those which we always yearn to hear, but at the end, we get to hear everything. So it is quite a fair end, isn't it.
How blessed are we that we can also make our fingers talk, in every sense, so let every part of your body do the talking and make your voice do the least. Use your tongue, whenever necessary otherwise just let it do what it loves the most.... and you know what I mean.

Atanu

Can We Use Love

We all are so used to the word love that sometimes it becomes difficult to distinguish it with love, I have lived in a way where i got used to rejection and what happens when suddenly someone accepts you, can you hold on to it, can you say that it really means a lot, or you are too attached to rejection, are you in love with rejection. How funny is the word love, which in itself becomes a irony when it is untold, and then it becomes a possession when it becomes known, try and love someone, because you need to know, what love is. There is no harm in knowing things, if you know you are going to use it properly....

Atanu

Insanity prevails

Can we try and change things at our own will, do we have the freedom to make ourselves felt. How do we react when vanity, which still remains an obsolete word, strikes you, do you believe in the failure of existence, do you ever feel that you will ever get the peace, what does this word peace means, do we get it ever. Insanity, sometimes, makes us achieve things that we don't do usually, try it once, and you will know what I mean.

Atanu

Charles Bukowski

If you're going to try, go all the way. Otherwise don't even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives, jobs. And maybe your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery, isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance. Of how much you really want to do it. And you'll do it, despite rejection in the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you're going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods. And the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It's the only good fight there is.